Let there be…
Worried about things boiling over or turning into a plastic puddle in the microwave, but equally anxious about keeping a watchful eye on the cooking proceedings because of the 80’s warnings about microwave rays melting your brain? Then worry no longer, folks! Take out the lightbulb! (Or in our case, just forget to replace the one that stopped working). That way you need never know what’s happening inside the microwave, you won’t be tempted to take a peek, and what a surprise you’ll get when you hear the ping and open the door! (I didn’t say it’d be a ‘nice’ surprise, though, did I?)*Note: This works equally well with lightbulbs in other parts of the house. Especially in rooms where you’d forgotten how much younger you look in a subdued light i.e. bedroom. And imagine the fun you can have guessing which (and whose) body part you’ve got your hands on! And visitors will always remember the subtle ambience in your living room when they get back to their stupidly over-lit homes. You’ll be the talk of the neighbourhood! And maybe they’ll bring torches with them next time they visit so you won’t have to turn on ANY lights – what a win-win situation!
#2
Flying the nest…
Encourage your children to leave home. The sooner the better! Not only will you not have to wash clothes that have only been worn once on a daily basis, you won’t have to iron five times a week either! And you’ll save a fortune in petrol money, pocket money, clothing allowance, and all power-source consumption generally. You’ll also notice that the fridge is that much emptier. And an empty fridge means the perfect excuse for not having made anything for dinner!
Husbands? Heck, they’re just Wives with more muscles and louder voices. See how much fun you’ll have watching your male counterpart trying to work out what he can do with a solitary crust of bread, a lump of Wensleydale and a Whiskas pouch. And watch how much weight you both start to lose with the simple eating plan we like to call “No Ingredients? No Meals!”
#3
Feeling hot, hot, hot…
Why not start the menopause? After all, you’ve spent the vast majority of your life with cold extremities, it’ll be much better now you’re getting sweaty on an irregular basis. Watch how high your husband’s eyebrows can go as he sees you fling your cardy off for the fifth time in as many minutes during ‘Deal or No Deal’. Marvel as you see him trying to better the last sigh he made as he watches you prostrate your glowing torso over the cool, leather sofa, waiting for another ‘flash’ to pass. See how your hair becomes fuller, frizzier, using simple body-heat with no need for a diffuser attachment! And see how you start deciding you might not bother having showers anymore because it’s just not worth the hassle of having to wash and use deodorant which is only good for three minutes. The energy-saving capabilities of going through the change are limitless! Just wait until the winter when the heating won’t need to go on at all!
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