So my first 'counselling session' left me emotionally drained and physically wrecked. God knows how I'll be feeling once - or if - I start having them regularly and intensively.
And even though it wasn't a 'real' session (it was more an assessment and a discussion on how it could/might help, but we did touch on some very painful points) I do think I learnt stuff about myself I either never realised or else wanted to admit to before.
Here's a taster:
1. I don't *actually* blame my parents for everything. Even though most times I feel like I do. What I do is reason that I am the way I am because of the way I was brought up - not intentionally damaging - but merely the only way my parents knew *how*. My husband also helped me learn me this when we first met and it was one of the reasons (even though there are thousands) that I fell in love with him.
2. I do not cope well with the unexpected. I seem to react the same way to a sudden scare (i.e. car in side of mine) as I do with either the death of a parent/marriage or, perversely, a spider appearing from nowhere into my line of vision. I am momentarily frozen, then shaken, then after a brief spell of bravado, I crumble.
3. Although I do not 'have suicidal thoughts' (as left decidedly UN-ticked on the checklist) I DO think about death - and dead people - every... single... day. But then so does Joanna Lumley so I'm in good company. Although she IS slightly closer to it than I am....hopefully...not in a bad way I don't mean... god, now I'm rambling.
4. I believe I've always had a serotonin deficiency (that's the happy hormone in the brain, right?) and that's why I get such appallingly bad PMS (which HAS occasionally resulted in *real* thoughts of No.3 above) and am prone to high levels of worry, anxiety and stress and extreme states of weepiness. It's probably about time I got this deficiency addressed so it stops impacting on everyday 'life'.
5. I'm an emotional old pongo. I cried openly in front of a total stranger, whether there was a hat dropped or not and felt a lot lost and vulnerable after I got back (shaking) into the car to come home. I think I need to cry more.
And not just during X-Factor or Deal or No Deal.