Wednesday, 26 May 2010

"Tell me about your childhood..."

So my first 'counselling session'  left me emotionally drained and physically wrecked.  God knows how I'll be feeling once  - or if - I start having them regularly and intensively.
And even though it wasn't a 'real' session (it was more an assessment and a discussion on how it could/might help, but we did touch on some very painful points) I do think I learnt stuff about myself I either never realised or else wanted to admit to before.
Here's a taster:
1. I don't *actually* blame my parents for everything.  Even though most times I feel like I do.  What I do is reason that I am the way I am because of the way I was brought up - not intentionally damaging -  but merely the only way my parents knew *how*.  My husband also helped me learn me this when we first met and it was one of the reasons (even though there are thousands) that I fell in love with him.
2. I do not cope well with the unexpected. I seem to react the same way to a sudden scare (i.e. car in side of mine) as I do with either the death of a parent/marriage or, perversely, a spider appearing from nowhere into my line of vision.  I am momentarily frozen, then shaken, then after a brief spell of bravado, I crumble.
3. Although I do not 'have suicidal thoughts' (as left decidedly UN-ticked on the checklist) I DO think about death - and dead people - every... single... day. But then so does Joanna Lumley so I'm in good company.  Although she IS slightly closer to it than I am....hopefully...not in a bad way I don't mean... god,  now I'm rambling.
4. I believe I've always had a serotonin deficiency (that's the happy hormone in the brain, right?) and that's why I get such appallingly bad PMS (which HAS occasionally resulted in *real* thoughts of No.3 above) and am prone to high levels of worry, anxiety and stress and extreme states of weepiness.  It's probably about time I got this deficiency addressed so it stops impacting on everyday 'life'.
5. I'm an emotional old pongo.  I cried openly in front of a total stranger, whether there was a hat dropped or not and felt a lot lost and vulnerable after I got back (shaking) into the car to come home. I think I need to cry more.
And not just during X-Factor or Deal or No Deal.


Deb said...

Aww, Debs, a big hug coming your way. You were very brave to go and there's nothing like a good old sob about things, hun. And don't worry about the death thing, it's something a lot of us do (me included - I've even written down how I want my funeral, for FS!)and don't even get me started on the PMS thing - I've lost many a relationship, friendship and job over that evil little monster!
Another hug coming your way. xxx

Debs Riccio said...

Thanks Debs - hugs duly wrapped and very much appreciated! xxx

Lane said...

I could have written a lot of those points myself. So similar.

Well done on taking the such a positive step and big whoops whooping you on your way:-)

Debs Riccio said...

Thanks Lane - I do sometimes wonder how 'alone' we might think we are with thoughts like this and always, somewhere deep inside me answers 'you're not'. Big whoops myself!

Keris said...

Well done for going.

"God knows how I'll be feeling once - or if - I start having them regularly and intensively."

Better. That's how you'll be feeling.

Debs Riccio said...

Thanks K, I know you're right. x

Fionnuala Kearney said...

The first step is the hardest and you've already taken that. I'm a HUGE believer in counselling providing you have the right counsellor for you. WHen I've needed it in my life, I've been lucky in that respect. Good luck Debs... I hope this fit is right for you and helps you find your feet. Remember - bite size chunks?
big hugs x

Debs Riccio said...

Thanks Fi - bite-sized chunks all the way - except with the bars of chocolate, right?!

Talli Roland said...

Wow, what a brave thing to do, to examine your past like that. Sounds like it was very useful, though.

Bege said...

Debs, you're not alone in thinking about dying every day - recently I've been a bit worried about my preoccupation with death, although am doing my damndest to focus on living!

Ditto what everyone's said about you being brave. I think you're a lot stronger than you think you are :-)

Oh, and I cried last night during Deal or no Deal. So there.


Debs Riccio said...

Thanks B - means a lot x

Michele said...

Debs, I think that we're twins that we're separated at birth. I could have so easily written this post- but you did, and that definitely makes you the braver one. Hang in there, kiddo. From one soul sister to another.