Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Hocus Pocus, diddely doo...

Some of you have probably heard me allude to this previously, but if you haven't, then all I can say is this:
"I Did Me a Spell and Got Me A Man"  - and not just any old (not even 'old' as a matter of fact) 'man' because, reader, I married him!

I had 8 years (interspersed with the occasional 'relationship', of course, I'm only human - no, seriously, I am) of being a born-again-singleton, following my husband's disappearance with his secretary.  I know - this is art imitating life or the other way round, I'm never sure , but I'm certain it's God's way of passing me more material for future fictional use.
[aside - to God]: "No, it's fine.  No, honestly it is, I can see the funny side of it now - no, no, you're okay, it didn't kill me.  Yup, I can use it somewhere.  In fact I already did.  No, it was rejected.  No, that's fine too - seriously - yes, neverending material, it's all good.  Mmm. Thanks.]
And during this time, one of my friends gave me a cute little book called "There's a Little Witch in Every Woman" which I used as a wine glass coaster for about seven of those barren years.

Coincidentally, the author of this cutesy little book, the lovely and clever Deborah Durbin, has since become a very dear friend since we met on a writers website a year or so back.  And she's pretty hot with anything Magickal.

I remember actually doing this.  I was sitting at the little round table at one end of my kitchen/diner in the little house the Girl and I had moved into 7 years previously and I was probably only flicking through the book because I'd just lifted the wine glass from it.  Initially I was contemplating the 'fortune' and 'success' spells but then I was drawn to this one.

The 'spell' (if I remember correctly) told me to get an action figure.  Great. In a house with 2 girls and 2 cats, the closest I'd get to any kind of 'doll' would be an old Barbie - and as much as I loved Transvestites, I didn't especially dream of growing old with one.  

And then you had to dress him in the style of clothes you'd like Dream Man to wear.  Double bloody great.  There was no way I was driving over to Toys R Us, buying a Ken and then finding a selection of groovy outfits for him.  I might have been alone without any whiff of finding a decent bloke, but I wasn't THAT desperate.  And even if I was, I'd just sunk half a bottle of wine.  It'd have to wait until tomorrow.
So I simply drew the outline of a male figure on a sheet of A4.

In the 'spell' you had to lie him down on the sheet - my way  just required more visualisation.  And then you had to draw arrows from his body ( at this juncture, I'm just glad I hadn't got a real action figure, because last time I saw a naked Ken, he was sorely lacking in some 'areas') to indicate personal preferences like eye colour, hair colour, height, etc... all the basics required for your regular Dream Fella.

And then add characteristics.My Prince Charming would be kind, smiley, compassionate, clever, funny, tolerant, hard-working, love his mother, play an instrument, love cooking, etc...   And I made sure my list included 'lovely smile'.  A big,  generous smile.  Because if someone has the kind of smile that can melt the hardest of hearts, then my heart is theirs, no questions asked.

And on the reverse of this paper you had to write down what you didn't want.  The type of things you wouldn't tolerate.  So I included stuff like:
* 'won't have an affair and run off with another woman',
* 'won't get blind drunk before he goes to work  and then be found in a milk van by the side of the road at 7.30am',
* 'won't call me a miserable, sour-faced bitch when I have PMT'
* 'won't fear the dentist so much that I can't make him laugh because that would involve opening his mouth to reveal incredibly spikey, gappy teeth in what is otherwise a quite nice face after half a bottle of Pinot' and, of course, the clincher,
* 'won't insist that wayward, unsightly hair growing from ear holes and nostrils is in any way funny and funky and that wearing slippers and sucking an unlit pipe when there's guests coming round is in any way "Retro".
Kind of thing.

For the final part of the spell you were to sprinkle some Rosemary over the figure's head but I just couldn't be arsed.

I remember staring at this drawing for ages and then having a bloody good laugh at myself for believing such a man (ever) existed, and that 'spell's in whatever shape they took really worked.  So I chucked it, downed the rest of the wine and threw myself into a mad dance round the kitchen to the strains of "I will Survive" or similar. No, I actually DID do that. In fact I did that a lot.  I even had the neighbours round once to ask me to keep it down - the height of Sad, being asked to keep the noise down when you're home alone... still... like I said, material...

A year later this guy walked off the A4 sheet and into my life.  I didn't realise he was my 'Ken' then but it didn't take me long to work it out.
I got some nice 'extra's too: the incredibly sexy tattoo on a very hard muscled arm and the heart-fluttering carpenter's toolbelt... Phew! Either somebody Up There must really *heart* me - or else there's a bigger Witch in this Woman than anyone's given me prior credit for!

p.s. is it too late to add on the reverse of my wish *mustn't snore  so much and get quite so angry with the nice people at Vodafone?*

p.p.s. all the *'s actually refer to separate blokes - all these "qualities" in one man, I have yet to find.  Eeeew... can you imagine?!


Clodagh said...

Wow, amazing! Will you do one for me, Debs? I'd like my books to be made into movies, please.

Thank you. I'll wait by the phone.

Talli Roland said...

I love this, Debs! So cool! Yes, I'd like a spell too! I'd like my books to be bestsellers on Amazon. Thanks so much!

Debs Riccio said...

Hee girls - I don't think it was necessarily *Witchy Me* that pulled this spell off, it may have had something to do with Deb's book! (still available from all book retailers, btw!)

Deb said...

LOL! Thank you, Debs. I'm so pleased you got your ideal man! With all spell work, it doesn't really matter if you don't have all the right tools for the job, it's the intention that counts more than anything, as you have proved!
Maybe I will get round to writing a spell blog one day! In the mean time if anyone wants a specific spell email me and I'll dig out my dusty Book of Shadows for you;)
Thanks Debs

badas2010 said...

A man chases a woman until she catches him, said the old song.
Aha! So now I know how you do it.
Your secret is out.

Michele said...

Ooh! I loved this book- not too interested in getting a husband- but would be interested in what the rest of the book has to offer. Thanks for sharing!

Jacqueline Christodoulou said...

I had to laugh Debs because I remember at one point in my singledom, if I had read that book and it said 'get an action figure' I would have found a 24hr 'toys-r-us' if it meant driving all night!

I manifested my man another way - I wrote what I wanted on a slip of paper and carried it round in a little velevet bag for ages - then suddenly there he was! I say suddenly but it actually took 2 years. (I'm not sure it was actually anyhting to do with the slip of paper - he 'claims' he cosmically order me!)

Debs Riccio said...

Awww, I love that story, Jacqui - so romantic of your other half. There's nothing nicer than being the object of somebody's 'wish', is there?!

Trina Rea said...

I love this post. And I've seen this book and almost bought it, now I will. We all need a little magic now and again.

Debs Riccio said...

Amen to that, Trina, we certainly do!