SCHYNOPSCHISCHH

That’s right; a Synopsis is only ever going to be remotely amusing if you get Louis Spence to say it.  Repeatedly. (You’d have to be wielding a bit of a brolly too I’m thinking – if you want to get some proper entertainment value out of this and not get covered in the word).

I’ve been schpending schome time on one lately.  And by ‘time’ I mean of course about a fortnight.  I’m sure they never used to be this time-consuming; but then I don’t think I placed so much importance on them as I tend to now.  So much more seems to ‘ride with the aged’ I find – and no, you can’t put a tenner on that each way thank you very much.  In the past, when I wasn’t even sure what a synopsis was, let alone that I’d have to write one to send in with  my three chapters and covering letter (isn’t THAT bad enough?) I kind of looked at it as a Plan like I used to have to do for essays in English at school.  I did those in reverse too – so maybe I’ve always been writing synopses.

But this one threw a mild and not altogether nasty surprise back at me.  It made my story suck.  Big time.  I’ve been really REALLY enjoying writing this new book and the one person who has read it was very enthusiastic about it, and although I’m only approaching 20,000 words I know this is going to be a biggie (in word count if nothing else I mean).  And I only need the first 30pages to send off for this competition I’m entering (in 3 days’ time if you please!) so although the rest of the plot and story is in my wee brain and I know how it will pan out, I have to write a synopsis BEYOND what I’ve thus far written.

Are you still with me?

And it sucks.  Did I already say that?

It makes the shopping list look thrilling.  It knocks Fifty Shades into a cocked hat (see what I did there?) and I’m ashamed to say had it not been on a screen it would have been ripped to shred angrily, spat on and kicked into the fire with gusto. All of them.  All ten thousand different ways of watching paint dry with a screwdriver through each eyeball ones.

What makes this one ‘worse’ I think is that the Rules say the synopsis can be ‘up to 10 pages’ so I thoroughly intended trying to fill all ten of them – nine at a push – but it’s dragged out every little dull nuance whereas what I should be doing is keeping it short, snappy and entertaining.  I mean who the hell SERIOUSLY wants to read a 10 page synopsis anyway?

No, me neither.

So, you’ll be pleased to know, dear viewer, that I have reverted to type and done a much nicer, neater, snappier one-pager and will wait and see where that gets me.

Watch this space, as they say. J