here and she couldn't have posted at a more appropriate time.
I my teens I had a book of Quotes. The most heavily-thumbed section of which was self-belief/worth/confidence/ goal-achieving; that kinda thing. And it didn't matter how many times I repeated whatever quote I liked best that day/week, it really didn't seem to have any major influence on how my life was going at the time. And now I know why.
Because the words were just that.
Words. On a piece of paper. Whereas what was most important was how much I believed in these words inside. And how hard I really wanted these things to happen. And how much confidence I had in myself that these things could really come to fruition.
Which I clearly never did.
I was always too distracted by others achieving their personal goals and marvelling at the way they seemed to have managed success so effortlessly (it appeared to me, the bystander) that I lost sight of what it was that I really wanted. And in the end I convinced myself that it didn't matter, it was nice that fortune favoured others and I was probably just destined to be part of the audience in this great performance called Life. Even if that's all I had, it was still probably quite important. But it's never felt quite enough.
And even though I vehemently oppose the whole "I blame my parents" adage, I am completely convinced that had I been brought up surrounded with a lot more (for "more", read "any") encouragement and support and just unconditional love of wanting the best for me, as a child and growing adult, then I certainly wouldn't still be beating my head against my literary blocked wall and wondering when it's all going to happen. (oh, I didn't say 'If' I wonder if that means anything?).
But now I need to locate, pin down and trust in this elusive 'self-confidence' thing. I was never shown where it was kept before. And on the rare occasions I do think I 'found' it, I was told to 'stop being such a selfish show-off' or berated for 'having ideas above my station' or even (seriously) that I wasn't allowed to have an opinion whilst I still lived under my parents' roof. And, no, I'm not blaming them. Anymore, anyway.
No, I have come to accept that that was the way they thought parenting should go. After all, they must have learnt by example, so if I want to 'blame' anyone, then I could just keep going back and back through generations of them and still never stop. A pointless exercise and one which sounds too exhausting to begin.
That's why God invented Support Groups, Friends, Counsellors (fee-earning Friends) Networks and the Internet.
Just for me.
I know He didn't really. I thought I'd just write that to see how much more important it made me feel. Which it didn't at all. It made me feel a bit blasphemous to be honest. Which is another childhood throwback.
Oh, and which is also why I get a lovely, encouraging Note From the Universe every (week) day, telling me how great I am, how much fun I'm going to have and how my dreams, if I want them hard enough, WILL come true. And for the time it takes me to read it, I really DO start believing it. Until I realise that a hundred million other people are also receiving the same mail.
But if we went around believing in ourselves then we'd all be happier, wouldn't we, and everyone would be nicer to and love one another more, and really, isn't that what IT's all about?