Excuses, excuses...

I’ve been meaning to do a post on this subject for ages. Ever since the mornings started feeling like the middle of the night and getting dressed for work feels not dissimilar to placing anything clothes-shaped onto a fuzzy-felt form in a dark room. Cupboard. Wherever. By Midday I am always embarrassed to note how terrible my endeavours to assemble myself of a morning are. Shocking. Beyond shocking actually.
So, it tickled me this morning: green cords, clashing (which at 6.30am looked complementary) green top and multicoloured scarf (thrown on to detract onlookers from predictable mid-morning eyeball assault) when a colleague commented that it felt like a Saturday and her body thought it should be at home.
And I remarked that this would be a fabulous ‘excuse’ for NOT going into work. (“I didn't come in – I thought it was Saturday”) And there're others I’ve always thought would be so cool if no fibs were necessary:
Like… (pretend you’re on the phone at home, heating turned up, surrounded by chocolate, cups of coffee and the daytime TV listings.. or whatever floats your particular Boat of Skive)…

“I can’t come in today, I’ve nothing to wear”
OR
“I’m in the middle of a really good discussion on Facebook/Twitter/social network of choice.”
OR
“It’s too nice and warm in bed. I can’t get up; it could be fatal.”
OR
“Isn’t it raining? What? What do you want from me!”
OR
“I can’t come in, my hair won't go right."
OR
“My husband forgot to leave me a cup of tea. I can’t function without a cup of tea. I can’t even get my legs to slide out of bed.”
OR
“I need to watch the last part of Silent Witness – I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else until I know Whoddunitt.”
OR
"I'm waiting on a poo. I can't go at work. You know what it's like."
OR
“I’m rubbish in the mornings. I’ll pop in later. If I remember.”
OR
“I didn’t enjoy yesterday – I think I’ll give it a miss today and try again tomorrow.”
OR
And my particular favourite (which I would use EVERY day in an alternate universe)
“Ah, I can’t be arsed.”

Wouldn’t it be GREAT though?!

BOOK SPEAK (what they're *really* saying)

Due to a severe case of unexpected enuii which has rendered me devoid of entertaining blog-postness, I'd like to thank my "fab, fab, fabby" friend Luisa Plaja (she's written some bloody brilliant books, btw - check them out and buy them for every teenage girl you know - you won't regret it) for this list of 'Book Blurb-speak' (which probably came from someplace else via her, but she gets my thanks cos that's where I got it).

The book is:

"Enchanting" - there's a dog in it
"Heartwarming" - a dog and a child
"Heartrending" - they die
"Thoughtful" - tedious
 "Thought-provoking" - tedious and hectoring
"Haunting" - set in the past
"Prize-winning" - set in India
"Perceptive" - set in NW3
"Epic" - editor cowed by writer's reputation
"From the pen of a master" - same old same old
"In the tradition of" - shamelessley derivative
"Provocative" - irritating
"Spare and taut" - under-researched
"Richly detailed" - over-researched
"Gripping" - no characters
"Fast-paced" - no story
"Shocking" - awful
"Lyrical" - keep a dictionary handy
"Lyrical and poetic" - keep a bucket handy
"Expertly crafted" - we have no idea what it's about
"Coming-of-age story" - child lives, dog dies
"Hilarious" - some short sentences, lots of exclamation marks
"His/her masterpiece" - eye-watering advance

Anyone know any others?