You know you're feeling better when...

1. You can manage to stand in the shower and wash your hair without every nerve ending screaming in agony.

2. You take your daughter to school wearing more than joggers pulled over pyjamas with slippers and sunglasses accessories.

3. The wailing of the cat for more Whiskas manages to sound shriller than the banging at your eardrums for more paracetamol.

4. You notice a definite dust build-up on surfaces that three days ago you couldn't even focus on let alone care that you possessed in the first place.

5. The film you just watched made you wince, moan and snarl and not because of it's brilliance but for the sheer fact that it was allowed to be made at all - just because you put about ten Women together who are stupidly famous and who have all had superb parts in the past does NOT mean that combined they create a good film - utter, utter cringeworthy, cliche-ridden drivel with plastic hairdo's and botox at it's best... Gah!

6. You look at the clock and think "Ah... if I'd been at work I'd have been getting ready to leave right now" and actually feel a little wistful.

7. You switch your computer on after five days of not being able to flick on the kettle without a whimper of pain and realise that you HAVE been missed. Oh, and that life does go on without you, but hey...

8. The box of After Eights looks strangely tempting sitting next to the sachets of Beechams Extra and you think your taste buds might not have died after all.

9. You make a silent vow to stop picking the scabs that have formed around your nose from so much blowing and decide to try a bit of lipstick for the school run this afternoon. After all, you don't want to scare your daughter's friends. Again.

10. You discover, almost joyously, there is even humour to be found in having a bout of the 'flu.

Have you heard the one about.... Swine Fever?

We had jokes about Bird Flu.
We had jokes about Mad Cow Disease.
We even had (in hindsight, extremely BAD taste) jokes about AIDS.
So why not jokes about the latest 'fashionable' pox to hit our shores causing pandemic-pandemonia?
Actually the only one I heard was from a radio two broadcaster who quipped that she wasn't unduly bothered because it only affected men. Ha! Swines - that'll teach 'em!
But the biggest laugh we've had in our house recently came following last night's BBC 'news coverage' of the latest British person to have contracted this disease (is it a disease? Is flu a proper disease?). Anyway - this guy had caught it - I believe from someone he came in contact with on a flight from Mexico or something - don't quote me on this - my memory is sketchy at the best of times.
The report seemed to be highlighting the fact that this guy - who is now 'quarantined' in his flat until further analysis and recovery can be made - passed his germs onto one of his mates who also now has the disease. The lady reporter was speaking to Quarantine Guy on her mobile from the relative security of her car outside his flat and asked him how he felt about being diagnosed with Swine Fever. His reply?
"I was a bit disappointed to be honest".
Why? Had he expected something a little more serious? TB perhaps? The Bubonic Plague?
He was then asked how his friend had felt about contracting the disease from him and he replied:
"He was a bit cross with me."
Right.
So - a threat to our National Safety? A possibility this will reach epidemic proportions? The fact that there have so far been 13 cases in the UK does not a crisis make, surely? And if Quarantine Guy is taking it all so gamely with the damning threat of imminent death hanging over his head then lets make him our Swine Fever Ambassador - we could all take a leaf out of his book when we've been told we might bump into the Grim Reaper.
Swine Fever? To me, this looks more like a strain of flu that nobody had records of just yet although your common or garden Amoxycillin will probably cure it if caught early enough.
Oh - and it IS a helluva way to take our minds off the boring old Credit Crunch, isn't it?