Not Beaten (not even whisked lightly until I form soft peaks...)

This week I rediscovered a hitherto uncelebrated character trait. I persevere. Which is not the same as saying “I plod” (…you plod, we plod, we are plodding…) no, I mean more that I don’t like to give up. I will try and try until I quite literally run out of steam and accept I have no alternative but to concede defeat. And that doesn’t happen very often.

In fact I can’t remember the last time I threw in the towel, unless you count the last time I dumped someone – for his own good, of course, he was always going to be far better off without me – his humourless, suffocating nature and bad dental hygiene had nothing to do with my decision – honest. (Perseverance has its limitations, obviously).

This week I refused to be beaten by the Gods of Technology. I mean, if something’s plugged in, has lights flickering and is making some kind of discernable noise, even if it IS tinny and whirry, then – call me Columbo – but this tells me the thing is ALIVE. Or, working at least.

Two people had a go and gave up, having tried everything they could think of as a solution to this particular technological conundrum… the scanner attached to my pc at work wasn’t playing ball… and so the thing was snorted at and the two men (MEN… underlined! – and one of these was the Head of ICT! I know, right? I can’t tell you who the other one was because it’s probably in my contract under Any Other Duties to have to shoot myself) walked away muttering incoherently about having to get somebody in to cover for a lesson so that he could go home and use his own machine there.

Now I don’t know what dumfounded looks like, but I kid you not, I actually had to sit down with my mouth open at the lack of gumption I’d just borne witness to as they slunk away muttering. For nearly 40 minutes, I’d watched them pressing buttons, scratching their chins – thank God, luckily ONLY their chins - clicking ‘back’ a million and one times, murmuring technical nonsensicals under their breath and then throwing in their towel of choice (probably Primark-peach, definitely not pure white Egyptian shag).
And I didn’t like it.
Not one little bit.
The fact they’d given up, I mean.
So I sat and played about a bit myself. Okay, so I didn’t have the discomfort of somebody holding an important document behind me and waiting for me to breathe electronic life into it; I did have time to reflect, ponder, click some erstwhile unused icons and work out, laterally what the problem could possibly be.
And so I did. In ten further minutes or so.
And I’m not meaning to blow my own trumpet, but *TOOT-TOOTY-PEEP-PEEP!*
But if a bloke had accomplished this (certainly our last IT Technician) he would have said something like: “The infrastructure of the hardwiring flombat had incrapsumently disconfigured the mainframe grapulementure, I don’t know why I didn’t spot it before”.
Me?
When I was being patted on the back and congratulated on my admirable attitude and perseverance,  and asked how I’d worked it out, I just said “Oh, I clicked some other buttons.”
Bah. And I wonder why I’m not sitting at Bill Gates’ right hand!

Why I *heart* messages from The Universe

When you've had the shittiest few days and it feels like nobody *truly* gets why you feel the way you do and the prospect of even stepping foot outside scares the bejeezus out of you and makes your legs turn to jelly (in an actual - no, seriously - way) then when you get a message like this pop up in your inbox it kinda makes your heart lift just a little.  And little heart-lifts are all I can sensibly contend with right now - without my brain turning to mush, and my ... oh, you already know about the legs, don't you?

"Wake up, Debs! Remember what excites you. Think of these things, those friends, and the adventures that can be yours. Focus. Care. Fantasize. Imagine. It's all so near. Speak as if you're ready. Paste new pictures in your scrapbook, on your vision board, and around your home and office. Physically prepare for the changes that you wish to experience in your life. You've done this before. You know it works. You're due for an encore. It's time to amaze. That's why you're there.
And it's why I'm here.
The Universe"

So forgive me if I'm quiet for a little while.  
I haven't given up.
I'm just preparing for my encore.  And when I have the courage to drive as far as the nearest DIY store, I shall be splashing out on a corkboard whereupon all my visions will be displayed for ... well, me, predominately... to see and focus upon.  
And we'll see how that goes, shall we?

dolly steps

The Great Wait

Being a bear is something I've aspired to become.  And I've also been known to rub my back up against a doorframe or two in my time so I must be halfway there.
Although not for bear-like qualities such as making excess bodyweight appear lithesome, graceful and appealing (chance would be a fine thing) rather than cumbersome, demoralising and depressing - this is a whole other issue, and one I need to address once all the Easter Eggs are well and truly out of sight and making their way towards their sewage outlets of choice - but rather more for Bear's other qualities such as perseverance, determination, realism, and currently... patience.
Because I've heard it's a virtue.  And virtues are a grand thing to have.  In fact the more you have the more points you get, and we all know what points make, right?
I'm trying not to confuse Anticipation (another virtue?) with Patience.  Because they have totally different rewards. And Anticipation sometimes brings it's worrying and irritating friend,  Excitement, along for the ride too.  Although without the Ex(citement) factor, the Anticipation could quite easily morph into the flip side of the coin and become a desperately morbid shade of Pessimism - which I've always been spectacularly great at.Such a delicate balance.
Patience, however,  brings no such overblown friends along, instead preferring to deliver such feats of normality as breathing steadily, performing back-flips and high-pitched "squeep!"'s at no occasion whatsoever and behaving responsibly and sensibly at all times.  Because that's what Patience is all about.  See that bear?  She's being Patient. Wanna be like Her?   Of course you do/don't.  Delete where applicable.

So it's been four weeks since the Agent asked "where are you based?" and further two or so hours since my reply of "wherever you like" (I didn't really say that but I would've if Id thought it'd make any real difference).  And I've experienced everything from dizzy delight, unabashed elation and self-belief seldom heard of around these parts, followed by a slow but sure descent back down to the place called Earth where it all began.  Perhaps this is another of those 'lessons' that I've heard life has you down for learning.  Maybe it's all a part of the process - the bigger picture - making the ultimate result that much more rewarding....?  I'd like to think so.
And for a kid who thought nothing of waking the entire house up at 3.30am on Christmas Day morning simply because it IS officially morning,  this Patience thing is a difficult candy to savour slowly, especially as the taste is so tempting.
But I'll do it.
I will.
You see, this is where bears get their sore heads from. - the eternal and internal convincing they have to go through to arrive at this picture of Patience.